Safety and Connection is the New Orgasm by Elle Chase

Why Feeling Safe and Connected to Your Partner, Not Orgasms, Makes for Better Sex

By Elle Chase, CSE, ABS

Everywhere you look, there’s a new trend or technique promising to enhance your sex life. Whether it’s a groundbreaking new kind of orgasm you’re apparently missing out on, or a foolproof position guaranteed to blow your mind, these messages all boil down to one thing: the ability to have earth-shattering sex by achieving the ultimate orgasm.

The media often pushes the idea that bigger, better orgasms are the solution to every sexual woe, but that’s missing the bigger picture. The truth is, what can lead to better sex isn’t necessarily a newer, stronger orgasm.

Here’s the thing — physically, for most people with vulvas, orgasms generally come from the same place: the clitoris (of which the pudendal nerve plays a significant role, especially in transmitting sensations from the clitoris to the brain). Mentally, for many people, it’s a whole different story. If you don’t feel safe physically and emotionally, it might make the achieving of an orgasm more difficult. Add to that the FOMO we get after hearing about — and then obsessing over — a new type of orgasm we’re not having. Centering sex around orgasm preoccupies us with a goal, and sex isn’t about “goals”; it’s about pleasure!

The way I see it, the most significant challenge in having sex we enjoy isn’t having a life-altering orgasm or even reaching orgasm at all; it’s feeling safe enough to create an intimate space with your partner, regardless of how long you’ve known them. I’m not saying a passion-fueled quickie can’t be hot, exciting, and fun, but for sustainable, more enjoyable sex, learning how to build connection is key.

I’m a women’s sex and relationship coach, and even before the pandemic, I noticed more and more people in my practice seeking a solution to a ‘mechanical’ issue, realizing it boiled down to an unrecognized yearning for intimate connection in their sexual encounters. Yet, in an era of dating apps and the societal pressure for the perfect “meet-cute,” that intimacy and connection were often lacking, if not completely absent. Clients told me they wanted to feel free, safe, seen, heard, and desired by their partners. More and more, I found that their sexual satisfaction became richer when there was some level of connection, no matter how brief the encounter. Human beings are wired to connect; we need social energy to thrive, we flourish in community, we crave touch … and we’ve been starved of it.

Post-pandemic, nothing has changed. In fact, this deep need to connect with a partner seems to have become heightened. As we increasingly rely on technology and convenience—working from home, ordering groceries online, outsourcing daily tasks—our in-person social interactions are becoming fewer and more isolated, and, as a result, so are we.

So, how do we learn to build that connection with current and new partners? It starts with safety (emotional and physical). Demonstrating authentic curiosity and care for someone’s pleasure and boundaries isn’t just a courtesy (and frankly, it’s the bare minimum); it also builds a pathway to deeper intimacy, no matter the length of the relationship. Before getting down to it, ask yourself, “what would it feel like to have my pleasure considered in a meaningful way?” and let that open up your curiosity. With that in mind, ask genuine questions that foster mutual respect and understanding. Where do they like to be touched? Is there any place on their body they don’t like being touched? Are there certain words, activities, or actions that are off-limits? Let the answers inform the sex you have. My favorite question to build connection comes from sex therapist Cyndi Darnell, “How do you want to feel?” If you focus on creating a space for your partner to feel how they’d like to feel, then what kind, or how strong the orgasm is — or even if an orgasm is had at all — becomes secondary … you’re co-creating a feeling with your partner.

To deepen a physical connection (and focus on how you and your partner want to feel), intimate massage can be a wonderful place to start. Focusing on just your partner’s pleasure for a time, gives them the opportunity to just receive your touch, but also how your touch makes them feel.

Using a decadent massage oil like Wicked Sensual Care Lemongrass and Ginger, begin the massage slowly and deliberately. Let your partner know their only job is to receive pleasure. Watch and listen for the ways your partner might be moving to the strokes, the pace of their breathing, and any sounds they make so you can tune into what kind of touch they respond to most. Sensual play that isn’t goal-oriented lets us wade into more intimate and erotic waters with our partners to explore and (re)discover the endless opportunities for connection and sexual pleasure

The media often pushes the idea that bigger, better orgasms are the solution to every sexual woe, but that’s missing the bigger picture. What truly leads to better sex isn’t necessarily a newer, stronger orgasm (I mean, we can probably get there on our own, right?); it’s connecting. While an orgasm may last a few seconds, a genuine connection can expand your entire sexual experience. When we shift the focus from chasing orgasms to building connections, we open ourselves to a more fulfilling, holistic experience. So yes, orgasms are great, but they aren’t the end-all-be-all of great sex. Connection is.